6 very stupid things to do if you've just stolen a laptop

After helping the Royal Canadian Mounted Police arrest two people who thought it was a bright idea to steal a laptop from a heavily-surveilled store, I thought maybe I could provide some helpful pointers of things to avoid if you've decided you're going to perpetrate such an act.

Please note: this piece is intended as humor, not as advice. Don't be an idiot. Stealing is illegal, mmmkay?

Don't take pictures of yourself with the built-in webcam

While it's not concrete proof that you've had the stolen article in your posession, it's certainly not a wise move to snap a few grainy pics of yourself smiling at the camera. It at least tells police that yes, you did use the computer in question, and it's a good starting point for them to connect the dots.

Don't download and install a chat program, then log in to it

There are a couple risks here. One is that you were dumb enough to tell the program to remember your password. If it happens to link to your webmail account, guess what? You've given whoever recovers the laptop carte blanch to access whatever you've got stored in your inbox. Furthermore, you may have forgotten to choose not to save chat logs, in which case all your conversations will be easily accessible.

Don't sign into social networking sites

Apart from providing critical details about yourself like your real name, date of birth, and address, your friends list is likely to provide investigators plenty of great leads to assist them in tracking you down.There's bound to be someone in the list that won't be shy about squealing.

Don't update your statuses with giveaway details

Leaving notes like "LOL just got my hands on a sweet laptop" on your Meebo page is a really, really dumb idea. It may not be an admission of guilt, but it sure is going to look suspicious to law enforcement officials.

Don't let your browser store any passwords

I'm pretty sure I could teach my 4 year old son how to run Nirsoft's various password recovery tools. If you simply must log in to any site requiring a password, tell your browser's password manager to take a hike.

Don't register yourself as the owner of the laptop

Entering your real name into any fields anywhere on the computer is a a bad idea. Entering it into a box that is asking for ownership details is double plus unsmart. That's pretty much telling the police that you think you own something that you haven't, in fact, obtained lawfully.

Remember, these pointers are only helpful if you don't want to get caught.

If your crime was really a cry for help and you want to get busted you should completely ignore my advice. Head straight to Facebook and write on your sister's wall about your awesome score, tell IE to save your password so you can return later without that annoying log in process, and snap some quick pics to share on your Flickr page!

In case you're wondering, the rocket surgeon I helped arrest made all six of these mistakes.

Tags: hardware