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6 very stupid things to do if you've just stolen a laptop
After helping the Royal Canadian Mounted Police arrest two people who thought it was a bright idea to steal a laptop from a heavily-surveilled store, I thought maybe I could provide some helpful pointers of things to avoid if you've decided you're going to perpetrate such an act.
Please note: this piece is intended as humor, not as advice. Don't be an idiot. Stealing is illegal, mmmkay?
Don't take pictures of yourself with the built-in webcam
While it's not concrete proof that you've had the stolen article in your posession, it's certainly not a wise move to snap a few grainy pics of yourself smiling at the camera. It at least tells police that yes, you did use the computer in question, and it's a good starting point for them to connect the dots.
Don't download and install a chat program, then log in to it
There are a couple risks here. One is that you were dumb enough to tell the program to remember your password. If it happens to link to your webmail account, guess what? You've given whoever recovers the laptop carte blanch to access whatever you've got stored in your inbox. Furthermore, you may have forgotten to choose not to save chat logs, in which case all your conversations will be easily accessible.
Don't sign into social networking sites
Apart from providing critical details about yourself like your real name, date of birth, and address, your friends list is likely to provide investigators plenty of great leads to assist them in tracking you down.There's bound to be someone in the list that won't be shy about squealing.
Don't update your statuses with giveaway details
Leaving notes like "LOL just got my hands on a sweet laptop" on your Meebo page is a really, really dumb idea. It may not be an admission of guilt, but it sure is going to look suspicious to law enforcement officials.
Don't let your browser store any passwords
I'm pretty sure I could teach my 4 year old son how to run Nirsoft's various password recovery tools. If you simply must log in to any site requiring a password, tell your browser's password manager to take a hike.
Don't register yourself as the owner of the laptop
Entering your real name into any fields anywhere on the computer is a a bad idea. Entering it into a box that is asking for ownership details is double plus unsmart. That's pretty much telling the police that you think you own something that you haven't, in fact, obtained lawfully.
Remember, these pointers are only helpful if you don't want to get caught.
If your crime was really a cry for help and you want to get busted you should completely ignore my advice. Head straight to Facebook and write on your sister's wall about your awesome score, tell IE to save your password so you can return later without that annoying log in process, and snap some quick pics to share on your Flickr page!
In case you're wondering, the rocket surgeon I helped arrest made all six of these mistakes.
Comments
25
Subscribe to commentsAlex MFeb 20th 2009 12:23PM
The phrase "rocket surgeon" still makes me smile :)
MysteriusFeb 21st 2009 3:19PM
I don't know whether to -_- or XD that the dirty thief made *all* of the mistakes listed.
dtmaFeb 20th 2009 12:43PM
Don't get on the internet. Period.
A stolen laptop was still submitting songs to Last.Fm and they managed to track him by IP.
Don't start the browser. It will probably log in with the victim's username to some service that will remember your IP (such as GMail).
It's better to just reinstall the whole OS. The only reason to hold that off is to see what kind of porn the victim had on his computer. Otherwise, reinstall OS.
shiznoFeb 20th 2009 12:45PM
what about... format the hard drive and re install the operating system? just a thought
ElaineFeb 20th 2009 12:49PM
Amazing that this idiot was able to operate a computer at all.
ottokar790Feb 20th 2009 1:23PM
I'm still looking for the humor - seems like valid advice for would be thieves...
Farseer (GDI)Feb 20th 2009 5:19PM
Oh come on - grow a sense of humor. The joke is obviously written to point out how dumb most thieves (especially these thieves) can be.
ChristianFeb 20th 2009 1:26PM
I recommend just selling it right after so you don't have to worry the list above...
Well karma will get back at you
but if you still want to keep it and not sell it...
Make sure it has no lo-jack then format (low level format if you're extra paranoid, though most likely unnecessary) the harddrive and continue rebuilding the whole thing...
continue on your stealing spree by getting a softwares through torrents and such...
MysteriusFeb 21st 2009 3:21PM
Nah, if you're really paranoid, you'll do the purging from inside a Faraday cage... ;)
ChristianFeb 20th 2009 1:29PM
oh one more thing, turn off any wifi connections (usually a little switch) before using so you can see what's inside without the system connecting with the "internets" :-P
The GnomeFeb 20th 2009 2:40PM
All you have to do is reinstall the operating system.
Bolivar BaezFeb 20th 2009 3:04PM
Why are you people pro-thief? Do you want your laptop to get stolen and never find it?
resourceFeb 21st 2009 2:17PM
pro stealing?
this is ignorant
Guy KramerFeb 20th 2009 3:36PM
Dont go online with it because the mac adress of the lan card or wireless card will give away that its stolen they have to match that up with the stolen laptops mac adress and busted so reinstalling the OS will not help.
Papa MidnightFeb 20th 2009 3:44PM
Except anyone can easily spoof a MAC address.... or just use a router.
No1Feb 23rd 2009 8:58AM
Well, if they make these 6 mistakes, I really doubt that they even know what it means to spoof a mac address.
AnthonyFeb 20th 2009 3:41PM
I thought this was going to be humorous...
DuckFeb 20th 2009 5:12PM
Try an app called Undercover http://www.orbicule.com/
It's a theft recovery app, if your laptop gets stolen, if it connects to the internet it sends you photos of who stole it + the IP address so you can track it down :)
AJNFeb 20th 2009 5:44PM
This is all interesting. I had a friend who had his laptop stolen when he was on holiday and I've been thinking of the consequences lately of having mine stolen so I installed Truecrypt.
You can find out their ip from gmail for example but they have access to your email until you boot them out. You could hand this to the police or take legal action that would require the isp to release the address - okay good. But what if they don't sign in using your profile?
From the posts it appears people believe you can trace a stolen laptop via mac address. I would think this would be quite hard. How would you do it?
Is there any sort of software you can install that acts like an alarm bell - sending you an email of any activity on computer/location/logins and denying access to system personal files if a certain action/password is not entered/performed upon a spontaneous cue at random intervals?
Seems like a good idea.....
michas_piFeb 20th 2009 7:44PM
I would remove the hard drive and DBAN the living shit out of it.